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Posts Tagged ‘Sex’

Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2013 | 7 Comments »

Hello Oily,

Can you help? Recently I found to my horror that I am 75 per cent lettuce. My man says these must be my salad days but I am not so sure as I would have thought being made of cucumber would be more appropriate. Any tips?
Marianna, Kos
Oily Replies;
Marianna,
Well firstly I have a surfeit of oil and salad dressing which with a quick vinegar stroke will flow nicely, so fun times are just waiting for us.. Talking of tips,  baby if the attached pic is a self portrait then yes, I have one hell of tip for you RIGHT NOW.
Can’t concentrate, can’t walk properly, I need rid of it quick. So throw on the onesie and getsie here quick. I got mine on already. Bring that cucumber. And some chillies. Spice it up girl.
Oily

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2013 | 13 Comments »

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Dear Aunty,
My wife recently admitted to me that she has developed feelings for the jar of pickled onions in our cupboard. I am gutted and her wind is chronic. What can I do to win her back from this preserved lover?

Tim, Windhoek

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Tim

Many Women have at one time in their life experienced similar feelings. You see, she see’s the onions as little eggs that she can nurture and one day turn from little silverskins to those biggun’s that Haywards knock out a Christmas time.
It’s a bit like man’s obsession with fire (well, most of the men in here anyway, all of whom seem to be on an arson rap).
I suggest you try to wean her off her obsession by pointing out the joy found in Beetroot, Eggs and other pickled condiments and that whilst you understand her feelings (who wouldn’t?) why stick to one type of pickled condiment when there are so many others to choose from?

Fear not as this obsession will fade, as gradually everybody you know will avoid you both like the plague due to the chronic wind she will be  producing. Encourage different types of pickles as the more she eats, the more gas will be produced therefore alienating her further from those (few) friends that can still bear to stand within six feet of her without wearing a charcoal mask and an asbestos suit.

I don’t know if you smoke, possess a good head of hair or a moustache but I would suggest abstaining for the duration of this controlled experiment.

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2013 | 18 Comments »

Hello Oily,

Recently I started courting a man who was made of cornflakes. He was recently released from prison after serving 20 years for murder. Is it ok to go out with a cereal killer?
Kelly, Nebraska
Oily Replies;
Hi Kell,
Only if he has crunchy nuts. Danger is that due to the popularity of said nuts whilst in the prison these past 20 years he might have lost his snap crackle and pop. You might find that unless you have hands like hams, an adams apple and 5 O’clock shadow you are no longer the type to stir his porridge. Give him a good grilling – mixed if possible – to find out where you stand.

Oily

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2013 | 13 Comments »

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Dear Aunty,

Hello AB

I recently found out that my man was having an affair with a frozen chicken which he keeps in the freezer in the shed. He says it is OK as
the chicken is free range and organic and can play the trumpet. Badly though.  Should I be worried?

Cerys, Ceredigion

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Cerys

Never easy to play second fiddle to a frozen bird,even one who plays the trumpet, albeit badly.

Have you tried thinking where things went so badly wrong that he has resorted to this behaviour? The fact that the chicken is organic is a blessing as it at least shows he has discerning taste. Worse if he was consorting with a value chicken or breaded goujons. At least his moral compass is still functioning,  albeit in a slightly funny direction.

I Suggest that you all sit down to dinner one Sunday and discuss this issue.  DON’T do a roast chicken as this would be beyond spiteful and could induce trauma in your man’s new beau.
I suggest a nice vegetable lasagna. In the meantime a crash course in the Tibetan Nose flute is called for.
Trumpet? Pah! any damn fool can play the trumpet.  The Tibetan Nose flute is on another level, check out the guys at your local shopping centre with the big throws over them for proof of how skillful an art this is. Both he and she will be blown away.

If all this doesn’t work unplug the freezer and watch your love rival perish a slow and painful death.Next stick the trumpet up your husbands arse and change the locks (on the doors, not his arse).

 Aunty Bill

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Margaret Thatcher – An Appreciation By Oily George

Posted in ginger, humor, nonsense, News, Stories, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2013 | 25 Comments »

MARGARET THATCHER – AN APPRECIATION

Dear Readers,

She was woman who saved Britain. From equality. Set the country against itself. Destroyed our industrial base. Sold us to Murdoch. Created the framework that ushered in the unbridled greed that corrupted our nation’s core values and bankrupted us spiritually and financially.

Lay her to rest, unpick the legacy and start afresh.

But there are questions; What was under that lacquered madness? Why did she look down her nose at everybody? And to the socially underdeveloped Tory Boys who preen and fawn around her still, the phrase, “No, not even with yours,” applies more so than ever.

Luckily however, one of Gfb’s regular contributors, porn baron and sceptic euro, Oily George knew “Margaret” intimately. Here is his oh-bitch-ary.

Margaret Thatcher

Dear Reader,

With the momentous events of this week,  I thought I would share some memories of that sweet old lady, Margaret Hilda. It is a little known and possibly fictitious fact that back in the mid-late 70′s, I was having an affair with the venerable Iron Lady. I was then a labourer at her country mansion, with special responsibility for taps.

One day after a particularly vigorous 3 minute sexathon, I slapped her bony ass and said, “Wake up Maggie I think got something to say to you. I aint gonna work on your farm no more.”

So I became her spin doctor. At a recent church fundraiser my 93 year old mother best summed up what I was like in those days. Told the Vicar I was a cross between a more louche, less sweary Malcolm Tucker and the Gimp in Pulp Fiction.

She also said I was, “A right fucking dickhead for working for those Tory shits”. We took the sherry bottle off her at that stage. Bless.

The night of her first election victory in 1979 was a riot (as I predicted). At one point dear Mags lay on the sofa, threw her handbag direct in me hooter and demanded I do a nude portrait of her. Being an ass man, I wanted to get those angular, saggy shapeless cheeks on canvas but no, she said “This Lady is not for turning.”
I left the party at 6am. The sight of the very sweaty Tebbit and Brittan cheek to cheek on the dance floor, dressed in nothing but their black socks and oversized nappies whilst DJ “Hedonist” Hurd  threw shapes to Love Will Tear Us Apart is a sight that will unfortunately live with me forever. And now it will with you too, dear readers.

There are of course many other memories which I may share with you at a later date but in truth I try to forget that shameful period of my life.

Glad I escaped that gutter world and jumped balls deep into the world of consenting adults entertainment. Feel so much cleaner too. At least in this environment people are upfront and honest when they screw you.

OILY
As a mark of respect and cheap publicity, the release of Oily’s latest erotica masterpiece “Ben PhWOARR!” a remake of the Charlton Heston fifties classic has been delayed until Thursday. If you like Leper Lurve this is the film for you!

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2013 | 11 Comments »

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Dear Aunty,

Aunty

Can a man develop feelings for curly kale? And if so do you know any country would recognise  marriage between a man and curly kale?

Farmer Barleymow, Yorkshire

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hey Farmer!

As anyone in the farming world knows the link between Kale and male goes back centuries.
Records from the 15th century show marriage ceremonies between the local Lothario and a freshly picked bunch of the local kale. Even to this day remnants of this practice can be found via a casual trawl through the phone book. Famous film director Albert R Brocoli CBE (Hon) and his family were early practitioners.
Brocoli (a strain related to the Kale family) was also nicknamed “Cubby” as his family kept their Kale relatives in a “Cubby hole” in the cellar of their farmhouse. His insistence that Goldfinger was released under the title of Brocolifinger was (thankfully) overturned shortly before its release.
Whilst no European countries recognise a union between man and Kale, you’ll be pleased to know some counties do. In particular Norfolk where an active kale community thrives to this day.

I suggest heading that way where you’ll be welcomed with open arms.  It’s a weird place Norfolk.

Kale – the gift that keeps giving.

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2013 | 19 Comments »

Hello Oily

My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.

Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls and shirts. Apart from singeing, wincing and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider? I must say a creased sac is a turn on!

Debbie, Nazeing 
Oily Replies;
Debs,
Any health issues? Woman are you insane?
Those once crunchy nuts will be flat as a pancake. Is that what you want….cos that’s what will ‘appen! He should do what I do, hang them out on the clothes line to dry naturally.
Admittedly the weather where I am in Sham City is much more conducive to open air drying. Plus people here are used to seeing others “bits” hanging out left, right and centre although admittedly they don’t usually look as battered bruised swollen and misshapen as mine.
The current tender state of said bits is due to a recent Neighbourhood Watch meeting I attended. I appear to have got the wrong end of somebody’s stick. I was told in no uncertain terms that you cannot pick and choose the neighbour you wish to watch. Voyeurism is not on the menu. In that case count me out.

Oily

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The Sperm With A Perm – He’s A Game Gamete!

Posted in Humor, Humour, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2013 | 6 Comments »

spermwithaperm

Hi Everyone!

Spring’s here! Saps Rising! My Young Man is harder than The Shanghai Times crossword set by a dyslexic at the moment!

Sadly, it is all self abuse with him!

Well, with chat up lines like -

“You’re nice – want to look at my posters?” And, “Don’t fret, I’ve got a puncture repair kit!” -

I don’t think he is going to get very far.

We have organised an Easter Egg hunt around his prostrate! Should be great fun!

Sentient life will be great though! Think of it! Trumpets!

Just gotta find that egg!

I can hear Bon Jovi being cranked up on the stereo!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I think I am in love with my next door neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed. How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

There’s nowt as queer as folk as the old saying goes and just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Pond love isn’t as unusual as you might have thought. I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Hell hath no fury like a pond scorned as another old saying goes and its time you demonstrated your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration, as it is obvious that your neighbour is willing to fight for his pond.

A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should demonstrate that you are indeed serious and that your intentions are entirely honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.

TTFN

Aunty Bill

PS Your not the brother of Chris Rea by any chance?

The Milk Of Human Kindness

Aunty Bill,

My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week. Strange you might think.

Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.

Yvonne, Winchester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Yvonne

Ah the harsh economic realities of bread line Britain eh?

The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).

Selling you to the milkman was her way of saying “Get out of my house you overweight useless wazzock,” but as she’s your mum she couldn’t bring herself to say these words.

At least she sold you to a milkman.

Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the electric cart, they could be seen across Britain pulling the float while the milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.

Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll not only see the pounds fall away but be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.

Chink! Chink!

AB

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George!

Posted in Beauty Tips, ginger, humor, nonsense, Stories, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , on March 19, 2013 | 28 Comments »

Heads Up

Dear Oily

My man left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?

Penelope, Bridport

Oily Replies,

Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:

Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye

Van Gogh – Ear

David Beckham – Brain

Kelly Osborne – Talent

Simon Cowell – Conscience

Stephen Hawking – Various

Hitler – Testicle

Greyfriars Bobbie – An Owner

And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:

“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been

Doncha know wor I mean

Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen

But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”

So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).

Oily

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