My wife recently admitted to me that she has developed feelings for the jar of pickled onions in our cupboard. I am gutted and her wind is chronic. What can I do to win her back from this preserved lover?
Aunty Bill Replies;
Fear not as this obsession will fade, as gradually everybody you know will avoid you both like the plague due to the chronic wind she will be producing. Encourage different types of pickles as the more she eats, the more gas will be produced therefore alienating her further from those (few) friends that can still bear to stand within six feet of her without wearing a charcoal mask and an asbestos suit.
I recently found out that my man was having an affair with a frozen chicken which he keeps in the freezer in the shed. He says it is OK as
the chicken is free range and organic and can play the trumpet. Badly though. Should I be worried?
Aunty Bill Replies;
Never easy to play second fiddle to a frozen bird,even one who plays the trumpet, albeit badly.
Have you tried thinking where things went so badly wrong that he has resorted to this behaviour? The fact that the chicken is organic is a blessing as it at least shows he has discerning taste. Worse if he was consorting with a value chicken or breaded goujons. At least his moral compass is still functioning, albeit in a slightly funny direction.
If all this doesn’t work unplug the freezer and watch your love rival perish a slow and painful death.Next stick the trumpet up your husbands arse and change the locks (on the doors, not his arse).
MARGARET THATCHER – AN APPRECIATION
She was woman who saved Britain. From equality. Set the country against itself. Destroyed our industrial base. Sold us to Murdoch. Created the framework that ushered in the unbridled greed that corrupted our nation’s core values and bankrupted us spiritually and financially.
Lay her to rest, unpick the legacy and start afresh.
But there are questions; What was under that lacquered madness? Why did she look down her nose at everybody? And to the socially underdeveloped Tory Boys who preen and fawn around her still, the phrase, “No, not even with yours,” applies more so than ever.
Luckily however, one of Gfb’s regular contributors, porn baron and sceptic euro, Oily George knew “Margaret” intimately. Here is his oh-bitch-ary.
With the momentous events of this week, I thought I would share some memories of that sweet old lady, Margaret Hilda. It is a little known and possibly fictitious fact that back in the mid-late 70′s, I was having an affair with the venerable Iron Lady. I was then a labourer at her country mansion, with special responsibility for taps.
One day after a particularly vigorous 3 minute sexathon, I slapped her bony ass and said, “Wake up Maggie I think got something to say to you. I aint gonna work on your farm no more.”
So I became her spin doctor. At a recent church fundraiser my 93 year old mother best summed up what I was like in those days. Told the Vicar I was a cross between a more louche, less sweary Malcolm Tucker and the Gimp in Pulp Fiction.
She also said I was, “A right fucking dickhead for working for those Tory shits”. We took the sherry bottle off her at that stage. Bless.
There are of course many other memories which I may share with you at a later date but in truth I try to forget that shameful period of my life.
Glad I escaped that gutter world and jumped balls deep into the world of consenting adults entertainment. Feel so much cleaner too. At least in this environment people are upfront and honest when they screw you.
Can a man develop feelings for curly kale? And if so do you know any country would recognise marriage between a man and curly kale?
Farmer Barleymow, Yorkshire
Aunty Bill Replies;
I suggest heading that way where you’ll be welcomed with open arms. It’s a weird place Norfolk.
My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.
Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls and shirts. Apart from singeing, wincing and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider? I must say a creased sac is a turn on!
Spring’s here! Saps Rising! My Young Man is harder than The Shanghai Times crossword set by a dyslexic at the moment!
Sadly, it is all self abuse with him!
Well, with chat up lines like -
“You’re nice – want to look at my posters?” And, “Don’t fret, I’ve got a puncture repair kit!” -
I don’t think he is going to get very far.
We have organised an Easter Egg hunt around his prostrate! Should be great fun!
Sentient life will be great though! Think of it! Trumpets!
Just gotta find that egg!
I can hear Bon Jovi being cranked up on the stereo!
Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!
Help Aunty Bill!
I think I am in love with my next door neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed. How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?
Aunty Bill Replies;
There’s nowt as queer as folk as the old saying goes and just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!
Pond love isn’t as unusual as you might have thought. I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.
Hell hath no fury like a pond scorned as another old saying goes and its time you demonstrated your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration, as it is obvious that your neighbour is willing to fight for his pond.
A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should demonstrate that you are indeed serious and that your intentions are entirely honourable.
If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :
A 12″ gauge shot gun
1 gallon of petrol
1 bucket of bleach
I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.
PS Your not the brother of Chris Rea by any chance?
The Milk Of Human Kindness
My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week. Strange you might think.
Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.
Aunty Bill Replies;
Ah the harsh economic realities of bread line Britain eh?
The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).
Selling you to the milkman was her way of saying “Get out of my house you overweight useless wazzock,” but as she’s your mum she couldn’t bring herself to say these words.
At least she sold you to a milkman.
Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the electric cart, they could be seen across Britain pulling the float while the milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.
Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll not only see the pounds fall away but be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.
My man left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?
Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:
Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye
Van Gogh – Ear
David Beckham – Brain
Kelly Osborne – Talent
Simon Cowell – Conscience
Stephen Hawking – Various
Hitler – Testicle
Greyfriars Bobbie – An Owner
And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:
“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been
Doncha know wor I mean
Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen
But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”
So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).