Yes!
Posts Tagged ‘Satire’
Simon Cowell’s No Direction Issue New Single – World Exclusive!
Posted in Humor, Humour, Uncategorized, tagged Britain, Humor, Humour, Music, News, One Direction, Politics, Satire, Simon Cowell on April 29, 2013 | 17 Comments »
Britain’s top Boy Band, No Direction, have revealed to Gfb that their new single “We Need A War – Any Kinda War!” is set for release on May Day. The B -Side is a reworking of The Supremes Classic, cleverly retitled “UKIP Hurry Love”.
The band, currently Ooooop North,throwing fresh vegetables at obese people, are confident that the song marks a new direction for their music. As David “Cotswold Crib” Cameron explained, “We gonna fuck da poor and make us all greedy yet needy, d’ya feel me? Oi Chunkster, wanna carrot? Buff the Topper please Fotheringham.”
George “Charlie Up De ‘Ooter” Osborne, said “This is gonna be bigger than TB!”
The band’s manager Simon Cowell, who has recently re-wrote the entire works of Shakespeare “as it lacked oomph,” said “I am soiled with excitement about this new single. It’s got words and everything. No, really. It’s right up there with The Birdy Song.”
- He Is
Is That L Ron Hubbard With A Sausage In His Hair?
Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged Comedy, Cults, Humor, Humour, News, Red Hair, Satire, Sausages, Scientology on April 15, 2013 | 13 Comments »
Yes!
Behold! The legendary Crowned Scientologist Sausage Of Power – rarely seen and never tasted…….by mankind!
Is That Kim Jong-Un With A Sausage In His Hair?
Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged Asia, Current Affairs, Humor, Humour, Kim Jong, News, North Korea, Politics, Satire, Sausages, War on April 6, 2013 | 19 Comments »
Yes!
To strike fear into the hearts of the capitalist lackey dog slaves of imperial Yankdom,, the Democratic People’s Republic Of Korea intends to launch its deadly Banger Missile to strike at the heart of the viper gangsters of capitalist lackeys who should all be stuffed in a furnace to teach them a lesson.
The Banger has range of 5 feet and goes lovely with chips.
North Korea’s Inter Continental Ballistic Sausage
Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill
Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged Britain, Family Life, Humor, Humour, Life, Love, Relationships, Satire, Sex, Writing on March 21, 2013 | 11 Comments »
Pond Love
Help Aunty Bill!
I think I am in love with my next door neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed. How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?
Dai, Rhonnda
Aunty Bill Replies;
Hi Dai,
There’s nowt as queer as folk as the old saying goes and just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!
Pond love isn’t as unusual as you might have thought. I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.
Hell hath no fury like a pond scorned as another old saying goes and its time you demonstrated your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration, as it is obvious that your neighbour is willing to fight for his pond.
A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should demonstrate that you are indeed serious and that your intentions are entirely honourable.
If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :
A 12″ gauge shot gun
1 gallon of petrol
1 bucket of bleach
Some gloves
I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.
TTFN
Aunty Bill
PS Your not the brother of Chris Rea by any chance?
The Milk Of Human Kindness
Aunty Bill,
My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week. Strange you might think.
Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.
Yvonne, Winchester
Aunty Bill Replies;
Dear Yvonne
Ah the harsh economic realities of bread line Britain eh?
The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).
Selling you to the milkman was her way of saying “Get out of my house you overweight useless wazzock,” but as she’s your mum she couldn’t bring herself to say these words.
At least she sold you to a milkman.
Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the electric cart, they could be seen across Britain pulling the float while the milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.
Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll not only see the pounds fall away but be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.
Chink! Chink!
AB
Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill
Posted in Humor, Humour, Stories, tagged Blogs, Britain, Funny, Harlow, Humor, Relationships, Satire, Stories, Traffic on March 5, 2013 | 19 Comments »
Hello!
My disappearance from this page has been due to a “misunderstanding” between myself and my geographically challenged tunneling mate Ron “The Chopper” Harris.
Four weeks of hard graft down the drain as we emerged not to freedom as was the plan, but into the Governor’s private quarters containing his silver plated commode.
Needless to say a few weeks in solitary has given me time to reflect on the error of my ways. Without further ado lets dive in, as my sack is positively bulging with cries for help.
Here is a triple header!
Hello Aunty Bill
Can you help? For the past six weeks I have been waiting for the lights to change at the pedestrian crossing so I can go and meet my mum outside Tesco’s and help her bring the weekly shopping home. I am getting a bit cold now and my feet are a bit sore. Any tips?
Thick Tom, Harlow
Hello AB
Can you help? I have been waiting 6 weeks now for my son Thick Tom to turn up and help me take the week’s shopping home. I am getting a bit fed up waiting outside Tesco’s and people are starting to stub their cigarettes out on me. Also I need to get home to cook my idle layabout of a husband’s tea. Any tips?
Dense Denise, Harlow
Hello Aunty
Can you help? I have been waiting 6 weeks for my wife Dense Denise to get home from the weekly shop to cook my tea. I am starving. Any tips?
Challenged Charlie, Harlow
Aunty Bill Replies;
Tom, Denise and Charlie,
I take it you are related as there is a common thread running through your letters, only confirming my worst fear about the inhabitants of Harlow Town.
Harlow is noted for its roundabout system and the number of traffic lights needed to control people entering the town. Basically, people can’t wait to leave and would drive like Michael Schumacher to escape, leaving carnage in their wake. So the rather complex system of roundabouts and traffic lights was introduced to prevent this and give people the time to savour their surroundings and take advantage of the shopping facilities at the Staple Tye shopping centre (a poorer selection of retail outlets it is harder to imagine unless you have penchant for lard,Diamond White cider and leggings).
The traffic lights are controlled by two brothers who are employed directly via the local lunatic asylum. They are also colour blind making errors of judgement on their part all too common.
To combat this, both were given “Stop – Go” boards to get the traffic moving again. But as Harlow’s a big town, it is going to take them some time to reach your road given that the large number of busy intersections they need to free up (some cars have been stationary for some months now).
Rest assured they will get to you as soon as they can. In the meantime I’m sending you a copy of Harlow Council’s Urban Town Planning for Idiots leaflet which goes some way to explaining the predicament you all currently find yourselves in.
Harlow Council – “Working for you……Sometimes”
Ginger Beauty – With Oily George!
Posted in Beauty Tips, ginger, humor, nonsense, News, Stories, Writing, tagged Blogs, Catholic Church, Comedy, Fashion, Humor, Humour, News, Satire, Show Business, The Pope on February 28, 2013 | 10 Comments »
Popeless and Jobless
Dear Oily
I have recently resigned from my job. At 85 years old I am quite frankly sick and tired of dressing up in ill fitting frocks and having a couple of hundred people a week bending over and kissing my ring.
Down with this sort of thing I say. Any openings in your business?
Joey Ratzinger
Vatican City
Pope Pius 23rd
Oily Replies;
Yo Ratzo my dawg,
Hows it hanging man? Surprised to hear you are jacking it in Pontiff baby, ‘cos at the FatVat 12 Xmas party, we did discuss over a Remy Martin and Gurkha hand rolled how your working day was so similar to my legendary Saturday Night Beverly Hills pool parties. You got the perfect job. Dang soldier you sure you wanna give all that up?
What about a ( not so ) straight swap - I would like to spend a bit of time in Rome even though it has gone a bit tame in the last couple of thousand years. Man that empire knew how to party.
And for you? Well Hollywood could be just the breath of fetid air you need to get that wilting staff of yours erect and vibrant once more.
PS …maybe you just need another batch of my little blue pills? Let me know.
Oily.
One Year Of Aunty Bill! – A Classic Case
Posted in Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, Star Wars, Alien, Cheese, Stories, Uncategorized, tagged Adult Life, Blogs, Comedy, Heartache, Humor, Humour, Love, Satire, Space Travel, Writing on February 24, 2013 | 6 Comments »
Can it really be a year since he/she entered our lives and has helped so many find peace? You Betcha!
Aunty Bill has helped literally people find a route to happiness for their broken hearts. She’s been quiet lately on account of the tunnel being found, but now in solitary confinement she is able to help those who need it most.
The loyal readership of Gfb!
So, as a special treat this weekend is deisgnated Aunty Bill weekend and we will place a few of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. Enjoy!
And Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!
Ground Control To Major Wobbly…..
Aunty Bill
Please help! I am made largely of Jelly and want to become an Astronaut. I wrote to Neil Armstrong and he wrote back saying he thought it would be a good idea.
NASA don’t agree on the grounds that Jelly people are a trifle sensitive to gravity and that I may do myself a wibbly wobbly mischief.
So, my mate Bob has tied several million rubber bands together will strap me to his water butt and launch me into space from the toilet window on Tuesday, after Dial M for Murder.
Bob has welded several metal dustbin lids to the base of the water butt (leaving the top open so I can breathe and pop my head out every now and then to take in the view).
Do you think I need to take a coat with me?
Gel, Swindon
Aunty Bill Replies;
Gel,
Being made of Jelly is one the finest attributes you can possess if you want to join the 500 mile high club.
Rumour has it that Yuri Gagarin was pumped full of jelly prior to launch to help him cope with the fact he was scared of heights and didn’t much fancy looking out of the window.
All Soyuz space craft thereafter were fitted without windows but did have a small fridge fitted to keep ice cream in. The astronaut produced his own jelly as and when needed.
Bearing in mind you’ll be travelling at 17,000 miles an hour, you will find jelly remarkably resistant to the rigours of space flight although it is a good idea to wear some kind of protective suit for re-entry as it can get rather hot and you don’t want to melt.
Remember to keep the Earth in view at all times and use it as your reference point as you don’t want to get confused with all the other planets up there. From a distance they all look a little bit like Earth (apart from the one with rings round it and the red one ).
If you see Richard Branson up there tell him Aunty Bill says thanks for the Christmas card and the extra air miles.
Good luck! (sounds like your gonna need it pal).
Aunty Bill
One Year Of Aunty Bill! – A Classic Case
Posted in Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, Stories, Uncategorized, tagged Adult Life, Blogs, Broken Hearts, DIY, Heartache, Humor, Humour, Love, Relationships, Satire on February 23, 2013 | 7 Comments »
To celebrate one year of Aunty Bill, Gfb is dedicating this weekend to our agony aunt. Here is another one of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy.
Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!
Bedspread Jiggery Pokery
Aunty Bill,
Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?
Elsie, The Ardennes
Aunty Bill Replies
Dear Elsie,
Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.
I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.
After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.
Good luck!
Aunty Bill
One Year Of Aunty Bill! – Some Classic Cases
Posted in Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, Stories, Uncategorized, tagged Adult Life, Blogs, Broken Hearts, DIY, Families, Heartache, Humor, Humour, Love, Relationships, Satire on February 22, 2013 | 25 Comments »
Can it really be a year since he/she entered our lives and has helped so many find peace?
You Betcha!
Aunty Bill has helped literally people find a route to happiness for their broken hearts. She’s been quiet lately on account of the tunnel being found, but now in solitary confinement she is able to help those who need it most.
The loyal readership of Gfb!
So, as a special treat this weekend is designated ”Aunty Bill Weekend” and we will place a few of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy.
Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!
Where It All Began
Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill. Aunty Bill is a leading expert in all affairs of the heart and is now able to receive correspondence to his/her open prison in Worcestershire. He/She maintains his/her innocence to this day and is a leading campaigner (the only campaigner actually) for dedicated transgender prisons.
We hope you may find some answers too.
Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless
Aunty Bill,
I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.
There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”
Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?
Meredith, Ottawa
Aunty Bill Replies,
Dear Meredith,
So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.
At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.
I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.
At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.
Aunty Bill
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