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Posts Tagged ‘Random’

Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

Posted in Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2013 | 23 Comments »

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2013 - Pope Benedict will step down from the papacy to be replaced by the first African Pope.

2. May 24 2013 -  Smoking sand will be  made compulsory in the UK.

3. December 25 2014 - An animated remake of the Godfather about a bricklaying fish will smash box office records. The Hodcodfather is coming to a cinema near you soonish!

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” -

Steve, Leicester;

Try the knife drawer – from Cousin Bet.

Eleanor, Moscow;

Look under the wobbly step – from Aunt Slobodan

Liang Bo in Shanghai

All men are shits! – Your mother!

Luigi, Verona

Find the man with the name Alfonso on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Ginger Cooking – With Fanny Redcrack

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2013 | 21 Comments »

Dear Fanny,

I’m in a spot of bother with the local Constabulary.

As you know Fanny, the present food trend is to forage for one’s own herbs. After a night taking part in a little wild garlic gathering on Hampstead Heath, I found myself on the wrong end of a policeman’s truncheon. After a bit of a kerfuffle, he summoned the help of his uniformed friend, whose helmet I managed to grab with both  hands before giving it a rather tight squeeze.

This only enraged the young officer. He handcuffed me to a tree where his chum layed into me good and proper! I was released and returned to my car which was illegally parked. I’ve since received a rather large vehicle recovery bill from the local force.

Do you have a nice recipe using wild garlic?

Benny
Fanny Replies;
Ah the joys of foraging! Believed to be invented in 1983, foraging has once again become a must for all celebrity chefs.

From  Hesgota Bloomincheek to the little fat Ginger Cooking God that is Anthony Whata Thieving Tosspot. They’re all at it! JUST BUY SOME F@CKING HERBS YOU TIGHT BASTARDS!

Anyway, your recipe Benny.

Nettle & Wild Garlic Soup.

Ingredients:

Large bunch of nettles.

Ditto wild garlic.

1 sliced leek

1 finely chopped onion

1 bottle of chardonnay.

1/2 litre of vegetable stock.

Large slug of brandy.

Cream

1 large spliff

Chill.

Make the soup…..in a pot….with all the soup stuff….

 ….eat the soup

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2013 | 8 Comments »

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Hello AB

My wife is thinking of having a spot of plastic surgery to make her teeth less obtrusive. At present she could eat an apple through a letterbox. My worry is that I have a fetish about buck toothed women and worry that her straightening the gnashers will take the sparkle out  of our relationship. Any tips?

Harry, Buckminster

Aunty Bill Replies;

Harry!
I too have a penchant for buck toothed railings which over the years has caused me to find myself in some pretty uncomfortable situations (the pantomime horse excuse no longer holds much sway I’m afraid).
Cilla, Goofy, Bernie Winters and the strange guy on Channel 4 who presents the weather, all had or have a cracking set of gnashers on the top row only enhancing their natural beauty.
Suggest to your wife that whilst you welcome her efforts to keep herself looking spick and span, leave the Hampsteads alone or go one better and install a new set of gleaming pearly whites that protrude further than the current ones do. The advantage being that she will be even better at eating big things fast and doing impersonations of famous race horses, a skill that will get people talking at your next dinner party.
If you paint every other one black you’ll also be able to teach yourself how to play rudimentary tunes on the piano - the tooth fairy will be raining cash on you!
Aunty

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Is That Fidel Castro Smoking A Sausage?

Posted in Art, ginger, humor, nonsense, Humor, Humour, Music, Politics, tagged , , , , , , , , on March 2, 2013 | 12 Comments »

Yes!

castro

 

 

And here’s his old mate Che!

A True Red!

A True Red!

You can see Tom Cruise with a sausage in his hair here! and Adele singing into a sausage here!

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

Posted in ginger, humor, nonsense, Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, Stories, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 21, 2013 | 12 Comments »

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark, delivering milk in bottles mostly although some customers prefer plastic containers. This I find odd.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 2013 - The sleek will inherit the earth.

2. March 18 2112 -  An escapologist Sea Bass will emerge victorious in Britain’s Got Talent

3. December 25 2014 - Tom Cruise will elope with the love of his life, the escapologist Sea Bass and create a new religion, Escapology.

Cruise_sausage

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” -

Manny, Boston;

In the back pocket of your favourite trousers is the answer to the question you are asking.

Aubrey, Carshalton;

Gut the cat to find out!

Liang Bo in Shanghai

Not there, THERE!

Antoinette, Enschede

Find the man with the name Alfonse on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George!

Posted in Beauty Tips, ginger, humor, nonsense, Stories, Writing, tagged , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2013 | 6 Comments »

 

Oily

Looking at your photo it is obvious that you work out – what exercise regime to you adhere to? Also what diet if you follow? To stay so trim must take a lot of work!

Fawning Dawn, Moscow

Oily Replies;

Dawny!

Well looking at the picture of you – impossible angle surely – it reminds me of the time I awoke at the crack of Dawn. You don’t appear to have changed much. As this is a family website, best continue this conversation offline.

Bring the party pack.

Oily

PS thanks for the panties. Missing a crotch though. But nice and airy.

 

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Posted in Beauty Tips, ginger, humor, nonsense, Happiness, tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 8, 2013 | 10 Comments »

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

A Teste Jilting

Aunty Bill

I have just been dumped by my girlfriend for another man. I thought she was the one. All I got was a text. It said “I’m off with Jason. He has his own shoes and doesn’t have a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

Sorry to hear of your woes although it sounds like this girl is gone for good although if you follow my advice there is a slim chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Shoe Zone have a great “Buy one get a pair free” offer on at the moment).

Stamp your own individuality on them by customising them. How about sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands? This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and poor Jason will have to raise his game in the footwear stakes to compete with you.

There’s a small chance that people may laugh at you in the street and on the odd occasion throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock), you’ll have the last laugh.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Cooking – With Fanny Redcrack

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on January 8, 2013 | 8 Comments »

Dear Fanny,

My New Year’s resolution is to lose a few pounds in weight so the wife will let me back into our marital bed.

I’ve been inspired by our Olympic heroes over the summer and have taken up the discus. I don’t actually have a discus so I’ve cellotaped some batteries to a frisbee and painted it silver. The trouble is I’m 32 stone and I suffer from terrible chafing.

I’ve tried every cream on the market but my inner buttocks are like mince meat. Could you tell me what face cream you use to keep you looking so incredibly youthful as I think this might be of help?

 Keith from Didcot.

Darling Keith,

I’ve used a blend of Goose fat and Gin for as long as I can remember.

After my morning ablutions I apply the goose fat directly onto the face and take half a bottle of gin orally. Whilst the goose fat penetrates I will watch an episode of my favourite programme ” Jeremy Kyle”. He’s such a cad and absolutely adorable!

I think you’ll agree I don’t look anywhere near my 48 years. You could even spice up your marriage by asking your beloved wife if she’d like to smear it on the affected areas. She’ll probably need some of the Gin first though.

Fannois

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The Previous Lives Of Agnes DuPont

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2012 | 22 Comments »

Agnes Claims To Have Been A Monkey Once

We welcome Agnes DuPont to tell us about her previous lives!!!!!!

To connect with previous lives, Agnes eats cheese.

Just one chomp on some cheese (any variety apart from Goat’s cheese - too acidic apparently) and  WHOOSH! she connects with her past.

We hope you are as amazed as we at the previous lives of Agnes DuPont!

Hello People,

It is great to be here (well for the time being anyway – goodness knows where my cheese munching will take me next!) to share with you my previous lives.

A few years ago I was a whale.

I know this because I am still very partial to plankton and shed a tear at the end of Free Willy 2.

Why, only last week I swallowed a man in Asda! I was looking for dental floss. The plankton gets stuck between the teeth you see.

He is quite comfy. So don’t worry.

You may think I am a fantasist who eats cheese late at night……….I would beg to differ.

Regards,

Agnes

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on August 23, 2012 | 10 Comments »

 

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with various degrees of accuracy for a number of years now.

I am Up with the Lark, delivering milk in my hometown of Devizes. I also deliver eggs, orange juice, potatoes, bread (wholemeal mostly but the occasional white sliced) and yoghurt.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. The Queen will be sporting sideburns by November.

2. Something to do with thighs will occur on October 17.

3. Nervous people will no longer be from September 25.

4. Prince Harry will get his todger out. Again.

Will these prove accurate readers? Only time will tell………

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” -

Pete in Ellesmere Port,

Marie says that you will find the nail clipper under the sofa.

Dieter in Munich

Wolfgang wants you to know that the mayonnaise is past its sell by date

Noel in Auckland

Peter says the potatoes are boiling over.

Pablo in Madrid

Gloria says having a verucca isn’t the end of the world. Brad Pitt is plagued with them!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

Well folks, the Milk Bottle of Mystery is being returned to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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