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Posts Tagged ‘Love’

Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2013 | 7 Comments »

Hello Oily,

Can you help? Recently I found to my horror that I am 75 per cent lettuce. My man says these must be my salad days but I am not so sure as I would have thought being made of cucumber would be more appropriate. Any tips?
Marianna, Kos
Oily Replies;
Marianna,
Well firstly I have a surfeit of oil and salad dressing which with a quick vinegar stroke will flow nicely, so fun times are just waiting for us.. Talking of tips,  baby if the attached pic is a self portrait then yes, I have one hell of tip for you RIGHT NOW.
Can’t concentrate, can’t walk properly, I need rid of it quick. So throw on the onesie and getsie here quick. I got mine on already. Bring that cucumber. And some chillies. Spice it up girl.
Oily

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2013 | 13 Comments »

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Dear Aunty,
My wife recently admitted to me that she has developed feelings for the jar of pickled onions in our cupboard. I am gutted and her wind is chronic. What can I do to win her back from this preserved lover?

Tim, Windhoek

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Tim

Many Women have at one time in their life experienced similar feelings. You see, she see’s the onions as little eggs that she can nurture and one day turn from little silverskins to those biggun’s that Haywards knock out a Christmas time.
It’s a bit like man’s obsession with fire (well, most of the men in here anyway, all of whom seem to be on an arson rap).
I suggest you try to wean her off her obsession by pointing out the joy found in Beetroot, Eggs and other pickled condiments and that whilst you understand her feelings (who wouldn’t?) why stick to one type of pickled condiment when there are so many others to choose from?

Fear not as this obsession will fade, as gradually everybody you know will avoid you both like the plague due to the chronic wind she will be  producing. Encourage different types of pickles as the more she eats, the more gas will be produced therefore alienating her further from those (few) friends that can still bear to stand within six feet of her without wearing a charcoal mask and an asbestos suit.

I don’t know if you smoke, possess a good head of hair or a moustache but I would suggest abstaining for the duration of this controlled experiment.

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2013 | 18 Comments »

Hello Oily,

Recently I started courting a man who was made of cornflakes. He was recently released from prison after serving 20 years for murder. Is it ok to go out with a cereal killer?
Kelly, Nebraska
Oily Replies;
Hi Kell,
Only if he has crunchy nuts. Danger is that due to the popularity of said nuts whilst in the prison these past 20 years he might have lost his snap crackle and pop. You might find that unless you have hands like hams, an adams apple and 5 O’clock shadow you are no longer the type to stir his porridge. Give him a good grilling – mixed if possible – to find out where you stand.

Oily

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Under A Duvet Of Stars – By Paul Holland

Posted in Poetry, tagged , , , , , on May 3, 2013 | 17 Comments »

I went to sleep in the stranger’s bed
And woke needing to pee.
Not knowing where the light was
Nor wanting to wake her.
Well,
Wanting to wake her…but.

Through the curtains
Could see the stars
Sow stars
Sow that light across this universe
This brief moment of time
Across the darkness
Light my way
Be my light
Don’t let me stumble.

But she wakes
And as she watches my return
Know now
This means more to me
Than the light
Of our one lonely star.

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2013 | 13 Comments »

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Dear Aunty,

Hello AB

I recently found out that my man was having an affair with a frozen chicken which he keeps in the freezer in the shed. He says it is OK as
the chicken is free range and organic and can play the trumpet. Badly though.  Should I be worried?

Cerys, Ceredigion

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Cerys

Never easy to play second fiddle to a frozen bird,even one who plays the trumpet, albeit badly.

Have you tried thinking where things went so badly wrong that he has resorted to this behaviour? The fact that the chicken is organic is a blessing as it at least shows he has discerning taste. Worse if he was consorting with a value chicken or breaded goujons. At least his moral compass is still functioning,  albeit in a slightly funny direction.

I Suggest that you all sit down to dinner one Sunday and discuss this issue.  DON’T do a roast chicken as this would be beyond spiteful and could induce trauma in your man’s new beau.
I suggest a nice vegetable lasagna. In the meantime a crash course in the Tibetan Nose flute is called for.
Trumpet? Pah! any damn fool can play the trumpet.  The Tibetan Nose flute is on another level, check out the guys at your local shopping centre with the big throws over them for proof of how skillful an art this is. Both he and she will be blown away.

If all this doesn’t work unplug the freezer and watch your love rival perish a slow and painful death.Next stick the trumpet up your husbands arse and change the locks (on the doors, not his arse).

 Aunty Bill

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 12, 2013 | 11 Comments »

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Dear Aunty,

Aunty

Can a man develop feelings for curly kale? And if so do you know any country would recognise  marriage between a man and curly kale?

Farmer Barleymow, Yorkshire

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hey Farmer!

As anyone in the farming world knows the link between Kale and male goes back centuries.
Records from the 15th century show marriage ceremonies between the local Lothario and a freshly picked bunch of the local kale. Even to this day remnants of this practice can be found via a casual trawl through the phone book. Famous film director Albert R Brocoli CBE (Hon) and his family were early practitioners.
Brocoli (a strain related to the Kale family) was also nicknamed “Cubby” as his family kept their Kale relatives in a “Cubby hole” in the cellar of their farmhouse. His insistence that Goldfinger was released under the title of Brocolifinger was (thankfully) overturned shortly before its release.
Whilst no European countries recognise a union between man and Kale, you’ll be pleased to know some counties do. In particular Norfolk where an active kale community thrives to this day.

I suggest heading that way where you’ll be welcomed with open arms.  It’s a weird place Norfolk.

Kale – the gift that keeps giving.

Aunty Bill

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2013 | 19 Comments »

Hello Oily

My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.

Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls and shirts. Apart from singeing, wincing and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider? I must say a creased sac is a turn on!

Debbie, Nazeing 
Oily Replies;
Debs,
Any health issues? Woman are you insane?
Those once crunchy nuts will be flat as a pancake. Is that what you want….cos that’s what will ‘appen! He should do what I do, hang them out on the clothes line to dry naturally.
Admittedly the weather where I am in Sham City is much more conducive to open air drying. Plus people here are used to seeing others “bits” hanging out left, right and centre although admittedly they don’t usually look as battered bruised swollen and misshapen as mine.
The current tender state of said bits is due to a recent Neighbourhood Watch meeting I attended. I appear to have got the wrong end of somebody’s stick. I was told in no uncertain terms that you cannot pick and choose the neighbour you wish to watch. Voyeurism is not on the menu. In that case count me out.

Oily

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Ginger Heartache With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on March 21, 2013 | 11 Comments »

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Pond Love

Help Aunty Bill!

I think I am in love with my next door neighbour’s goldfish pond. It is on two levels and has a nice water feature in the centre (a fountain of Elvis doing the splits). I asked my neighbour if I could take the pond out for a fish supper. He slammed the door in my face and last night firebombed my shed. How can I get him to see that I really love his pond?

Dai, Rhonnda

Aunty Bill Replies;

Hi Dai,

There’s nowt as queer as folk as the old saying goes and just when you think everything’s been covered, up you pop!

Pond love isn’t as unusual as you might have thought. I’m not surprised you’ve fallen for your neighbour’s water feature.

Hell hath no fury like a pond scorned as another old saying goes and its time you demonstrated your love for this pond by embarking on an extensive cleaning, fish feeding and water filtration, as it is obvious that your neighbour is willing to fight for his pond.

A few weeks of intensive pond maintenance should demonstrate that you are indeed serious and that your intentions are entirely honourable.

If this fails, then seek revenge for your shed. You will need the following :

A 12″ gauge shot gun

1 gallon of petrol

1 bucket of bleach

Some gloves

I leave the rest to you – you know what you have to do.

TTFN

Aunty Bill

PS Your not the brother of Chris Rea by any chance?

The Milk Of Human Kindness

Aunty Bill,

My mum sold me to the milkman in order to buy a shoe horn the other week. Strange you might think.

Do you think she is trying to tell me something? I weigh 87 stone and recently ate our roof by mistake. It made a healthy alternative to cheese in a sandwich.

Yvonne, Winchester

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Yvonne

Ah the harsh economic realities of bread line Britain eh?

The shoehorn is merely a metaphor for shoe horning you out of the door and out of her life (although at 87 stone she’s got a job on her hands and will need a bigger horn or lots of smaller ones).

Selling you to the milkman was her way of saying “Get out of my house you overweight useless wazzock,” but as she’s your mum she couldn’t bring herself to say these words.

At least she sold you to a milkman.

Milkmen (and women) have over the years demonstrated a deep affection for fat people. Before the days of the electric cart, they could be seen across Britain pulling the float while the milkmen jumped on and off delivering the nation’s favourite drink.

Hopefully he will put you to work and you’ll not only see the pounds fall away but be in a position to replace the roof over you dear old mum’s head which you so thoughtlessly ate.

Chink! Chink!

AB

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One Year Of Aunty Bill! – A Classic Case

Posted in Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, Star Wars, Alien, Cheese, Stories, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 24, 2013 | 6 Comments »

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Can it really be a year since he/she entered our lives and has helped so many find peace? You Betcha!

Aunty Bill has helped literally people find a route to happiness for their broken hearts. She’s been quiet lately on account of the tunnel being found, but now in solitary confinement she is able to help those who need it most.

The loyal readership of Gfb!

So, as a special treat this weekend is deisgnated Aunty Bill weekend and we will place a few of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. Enjoy!

And Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!

Ground Control To Major Wobbly…..

Aunty Bill

Please help! I am made largely of Jelly and want to become an Astronaut. I wrote to Neil Armstrong and he wrote back saying he thought it would be a good idea.

NASA don’t agree on the grounds that Jelly people are a trifle sensitive to gravity and that I may do myself a wibbly wobbly mischief.

So,  my mate Bob has tied several million rubber bands together will strap me to his water butt and launch me into space from the toilet window on Tuesday, after Dial M for Murder.

Bob has welded several metal dustbin lids to the base of the water butt (leaving the top open so I can breathe and pop my head out every now and then to take in the view).

Do you think I need to take a coat with me?

Gel, Swindon

Aunty Bill Replies;

Gel,

Being made of Jelly is one the finest attributes you can possess if you want to join the 500 mile high club.

Rumour has it that Yuri Gagarin was pumped full of jelly prior to launch to help him cope with the fact he was scared of heights and didn’t much fancy looking out of the window.

All Soyuz space craft thereafter were fitted without windows but did have a small fridge fitted to keep ice cream in. The astronaut produced his own jelly as and when needed.

Bearing in mind you’ll be travelling at 17,000 miles an hour, you will find jelly remarkably resistant to the rigours of space flight although it is a good idea to wear some kind of protective suit for re-entry as it can get rather hot and you don’t want to melt.

Remember to keep the Earth in view at all times and use it as your reference point as you don’t want to get confused with all the other planets up there.  From a distance they all look a little bit like Earth (apart from the one with rings round it and the red one ).

If you see Richard Branson up there tell him Aunty Bill says thanks for the Christmas card and the extra air miles.

Good luck! (sounds like your gonna need it pal).

Aunty Bill

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One Year Of Aunty Bill! – A Classic Case

Posted in Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, Stories, Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , , , , on February 23, 2013 | 7 Comments »

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To celebrate one year of Aunty Bill, Gfb is dedicating this weekend to our agony aunt. Here is another one of his/her classic cases here for you to enjoy. 

Give Thanks For Aunty Bill!

Bedspread Jiggery Pokery

Aunty Bill,

Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?

Elsie, The Ardennes

Aunty Bill Replies

Dear Elsie,

Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.

I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.

After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

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