My boyfriend has taken to ironing his scrotum.
Luckily this is after he’s finished his smalls and shirts. Apart from singeing, wincing and agonised cries of pain, are there any health issues to consider? I must say a creased sac is a turn on!
Any advice on how to cure an aching jaw? I think I have been spoiling my girl a bit too much over the Christmas holidays. Help!!
Otis Elevator, LA
Otis my man, long time no speak.
As you are in the same lather and spank market as I – you will understand lockjaw is a common occurrence especially after the 16th retake.
As I know from personal experience, the tongue and lower jaw can only withstand a certain amount of repetitive strain before seizing up. It needs to be kept supple and oiled. Of course I produce my own queasily unnatural unctions so it is never a problem.
I will send you a quart of my Healing Oil and you will be able to lick ‘n flick to your heart’s content.
In return perhaps you could send me that DVD of your girl and her netball teams Xmas party? You know, the one with the ping pong balls?
I am unsure about what underwear I should wear on my first date with the girl of my dreams. I have hankered after her for years!
I am thinking of taking her to the local abattoir for a night out as I am fond of a spot of butchery. Then grab some sausage and chips from the Burger Van on the A38 just outside Padstow before back to my place for some slap and tickle. My brother has leant me his old bottle of Denim aftershave as he reckons women found this irresistible. I’m not sure as it sets my sinuses off something terrible
So Oily, Y-Front, Slip, Boxer or Thong?
Butcher Bill, Padstow
Hey Butch it has to be the Thong. Always.
Sing a Thong for Europe I say. It is important for a person to be comfortable in his own skin. Or someone elses skin if you are from the Dennis Nielsen or Jeffrey Dahmer School of Love.
So the more flesh exposed the better. Whether it be pock marked, skid marked, Marky marked or whatever, just be proud of your flab. She will love you for it all the more.
A train journeys towards The West. There is stillness save for the urgent rhythms of the traction engine scraping over the rails.
“Everything OK with the Boom Elsie?”
“Fine thanks Trish, Camera OK?”
“Yes. Ready to roll.” The two elderly friends smiled at each other. So far so good. The childhood ambition to make a film had lain within them for seventy years. Now it was finally coming to fruition.
Trish shouts, “ACTION!”
The camera pans towards the carriage door. It opens. The Guard walks in. He is handsome, tall and muscular, a bubble perm sprouts from under his cap. The camera tracks him walking down the aisle.
The carriage is empty save for an attractive young women and a middle aged man sitting several rows in front of her. He is reading a newspaper. The Guard approaches the young woman who is idly twirling a strand of hair as she watches the Devon countryside rush by.
Elsie, ignoring her aching hip, kneels on the seat in front of the young woman, ready to film the encounter.
“I’m afraid I don’t have a ticket,” the young woman replies, “I don’t have any cash. I lost my credit cards as I ran for the train. I need to be in Totnes to let Pete the Plumber in. I’ve got a blocked passage. Is there any other way I can pay?” She smiles coquettishly at him.
“You are a naughty girl,” the Guard replies, “I’ve got something to punch your ticket!” He unzips his trousers and reveals an enormous tumescent love sausage.
“I bet that has been in a few tunnels,” the women says lasciviously as she eyes his enormous rolling stock,. “Where does this feature in Conditions of Carriage?”
“Well, we will have to have a good shunt to find out won’t we!” grunts the Guard with a leer on his pockmarked face.
The middle aged man spies the randy goings on. He shifts in his seat and struggles to concentrate on his paper.
The young woman leans over and begins rubbing the Guard’s throbbing set of points,
“Ooooh yeah, you know how to handle a Tinkler……”
Elsie pops her head above the seat. “Natalie love, can you give it a bit more oomph please. Good strong grip and give it some welly!”
“Yes Mrs Raymond, but there’s a draft from somewhere. I have a crick in my neck. Can I put my scarf on?”
“Go on then.”
Trish turns to the Guard, “Terry, now you are a big lad, you definitely didn’t get that from our side of the family. Be proud of it! Don’t call it Tinkler either! How about Mighty Love Muscle or Stallion of Prolonged Ecstasy?”
“OK Aunt Trish. I tend to get a bit light headed when………you know.”
“Concentrate on something else then, there’s a good lad. Right,positions everyone! Let’s get going, I need to get this camera back for the Christening.”
The couple re-established their positions. Natalie holds his Stallion of Prolonged Ecstasy in her hands.
“You can ride me all the way to Totnes if you like. I ain’t no cheap day return an’ all?”
Terry smiles, “I’ll make sure you get a super saver on the way ‘ome me deario.”
The carriage door slides open once more.
“Hot and Cold Drinks, sandwiches, snacks and an assortment of – Sweet Jesus!” The trolley attendant wasn’t expecting enthusiastic fellatio in seats 23 and 24. The Guard swings around, his enormous signal box on display.
“Jeez you could take somebody’s eye out with that! Cherry Bakewells anyone?”
Elsie’s head popped up again. “Excuse me we’re trying to make an adult themed piece of erotica here, would you mind?”
“That’s right,” concurred Trish who swung the boom into Terry’s love weapon. He exhales and swears under his breath. His cap is dislodged to reveal the full glory of his perm.
“Terry, what have I told you about swearing in public! It lowers the tone,” snapped Trish.
The attendant shuffles on a few feet before stopping to watching the action gather momentum. “Have you thought about Doggy Style with her eating a Cherry Bakewell?” she said.
“There’s a thought,” Elsie said to herself.
The middle aged man piped up, “I’d like a Cherry Bakewell and a coffee please.”
The filming of “Briefs Encounters” continues.
Feel free to use your own imaginations to continue the plot line.
Personally I’m outraged. A letter of complaint is winging its way to First Great Western!
Life’s A Gas!
(You can read an earlier Oily George Advice Column here!)
Did you leave the gas on when you went out?
Oh Miranda you naughty poppet I thought you would never leave this morning. Did you take the calipers and the bullwhip with you? I couldn’t find them anywhere and you know how I like to update my inventory after one of my relaxation sessions.
You know I don’t have gas appliances in my abode. No need, It is not just oil that I have a natural supply of. Those nightly chinese dinners plus my love of sprouts for breakfast – remember dear readers, sprouts are not just for christmas – leaves me permanently fuelled up.
Thanks for the concern Miranda. See you Friday yes? My turn this time. I’ve recalibrated the wall cuffs, you bring the gel!
Britain’s leading Director of Erotica, Oily George takes time out of his hectic schedule to give tips on grooming and style!
Please help - I just can’t satisfy my woman’s lust for dirty scrabble.
She is insatiable in putting rude words on the board, even in the company of my church going parents. She started with “bottom, nipple and charlie” but has now dangerously progressed to “willy, knob and knockers”. Where will it end?
Ma and Pa’s local church is having a charity scrabble evening next week and I am worried that the filth will only get worse.
How do I avoid a double word score blowout?
Sid I wouldn’t worry too much about shocking the local vicar. I have an upstanding member, errm… sorry got distracted by my next door neighbour’s activities (note to self, get the binoculars cleaned).
Anyway, yes I AM an upstanding member of the community, an erect pillar if you will. Because of my involvement with the local Beverley Hills Scientology Church I know what goes on behind closed doors in ‘respectable’ society. You would be shocked if you knew the truth. Lets just say a lot of “Hubbard in the Cupboard” goes on.
Yo feel me?
Ever tried strip sniff spank scrabble? Now there is a game!
Tending My Frock
I am a Catlick priest here in Conemememarrarara. However I am having a severe crisis of conscience. Namely, can a real man ever look good in one of those big dressy frock thingys we have to wear?
Fr Eugene, Knock
You know wearing a dress can be very liberating. However it is very important that in doing so you remember 3 things.
Firstly, apply the correct eyeliner (demon black).
Secondly, ensure your buttocks are shaved at all times.
Thirdly always go Commando.
This will give you the confidence to give good sermon of a Sunday.
It helps your freedom of expression. I hope this has helped. Now go get ‘em rolling in the pews.
Brother Oily (I’m C of E by the way)
After a summer break in Calipornia, Gfb’s Beauty Therapist and Advisor, Oily George is back to provide you with advice on issues of personal hygiene, appearance, making dirty films and romance. His Oil Highness is here to help.
I have long admired your erotic masterpieces and am considering making a big budget version of your 80′s classic “Tug My Love Muscle II” – That funny looking lad who plays vampires a lot and that skinny girl from Harry Potter’s Thingymajig are both up for the lead roles. She is in the gym undergoing a wrist strengthening programme.
I just wanted to know what Best Boy you used in the film and what was your Key Grip?
Marty says hi too!
Steven Spielberg, Hull
Did the ointment work?
Key Grip is easy – always use the overarm under shuffle five knuckle twister. But never, I repeat never, use the ballsack as a prop.
Remember when Bobby did that in Mean Streets? I haven’t laughed so much since Marlon got his nuts caught in the mangle. OUCH!
Best Boy? Being an equal opportunities employer, I always employ two girls to be my Best Boy. Twins. Swedish. Blonde. 18. I’ll pass on their number. It works for me.
It’s an age thing.
Much love to Marty.
Tell him I have the photos under lock and key, nothing for him to worry about.
Ginger Sooty, GLOVE PUPPET OF DREAMS provides a daily round-up of events at the London 2012 Olympics that are, quite simply London 2012.
Well Folks - Only a few days to go now!
Canoeing – Eirik Verus Larsen from Norway won a gold in sprint canoeing. He got himself into a bit of a paddle but came good in the end.
Another Viking who was in the final was Kirk Douglas. Sadly Kirk’s canoe didn’t make the end of the race.
Wrestling – Japan’s Kaori Icho became the first woman to win three Olympic wrestling gold medals by beating China’s Jing Ruixue in the freestyle 63kg final. Wonder who her squeeze is. Brave lad.
Athletics – Alyson Felix of the USA won the Women’s 200 hundred metres final. She really is poetry in motion. The Beret, Goatee and Cigarette clamped between her teeth certainly give that impression.
A couple of sports to look out for.
1. Sprint Shoe Horning
The sport that requires you to slip slip-ons on pronto.
The world record stands at 27 pairs fitted and removed in a minute. The shoes used are two sizes smaller than a competitor’s foot size.
Esteban “The Man With Hooves Instead Of Feet” Cordobes from Ecuador is favourite to take gold. Watching him “slipping” at race pace is like watching a magician at work, only this magician’s magic wand is a tortoise-shell shoe-horn with “Esteban” written on it. In Mother of Pearl.
Evangelists think he is the Devil because of his cloven hooves instead of feet – we are not so sure.
Expect Canada’s Larry Bertrand to challenge. His his mum always holds a giant crucifix over him when he takes on Esteban.
(We’ve just heard that Larry has been found dead, his shoe horn rammed through his heart and “Esteban Diablo” written in Larry’s own blood by the cadaver).
2. Sado Masochists 10,000 Metres
The most prestigious athletic competition for fetishists and the S&M fraternity.
10 competitors will be entered for this race (with a variety of implements) and Dominatrix Madam Sin and her “Little Bleeder” will whip them into shape round the back passage on this brand spanking new track.
The warm weather has forced organisers to ban gimp masks.
Belgium’s Jean Luc-Squeak will take some beating (as he does most Thursday nights) in this race. Tony Belter from Australia will provide stiff opposition however.
The losers will be tied together, castigated and publicly humiliated by the stadium’s 80,000 spectators for several hours.
Much to their delight!
Enjoy The Games!