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Posts Tagged ‘Comedy’

Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2013 | 6 Comments »

Hello Oily,

Can you help? Recently I found to my horror that I am 75 per cent lettuce. My man says these must be my salad days but I am not so sure as I would have thought being made of cucumber would be more appropriate. Any tips?
Marianna, Kos
Oily Replies;
Marianna,
Well firstly I have a surfeit of oil and salad dressing which with a quick vinegar stroke will flow nicely, so fun times are just waiting for us.. Talking of tips,  baby if the attached pic is a self portrait then yes, I have one hell of tip for you RIGHT NOW.
Can’t concentrate, can’t walk properly, I need rid of it quick. So throw on the onesie and getsie here quick. I got mine on already. Bring that cucumber. And some chillies. Spice it up girl.
Oily

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Is That Princess Leia With A Cumberland Sausage On Her Noggin?

Posted in Humor, Humour, Movies, tagged , , , , , , on May 14, 2013 | 28 Comments »

Yes!

LEIA

Star Wars – The Sausage Years

A New Sausage

The Sausage Strikes Back

Return of the Sausage

The Phantom Sausage

Attack of The Clone Sausages

Revenge of The Sausage

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2013 | 12 Comments »

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Dear Aunty,
My wife recently admitted to me that she has developed feelings for the jar of pickled onions in our cupboard. I am gutted and her wind is chronic. What can I do to win her back from this preserved lover?

Tim, Windhoek

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Tim

Many Women have at one time in their life experienced similar feelings. You see, she see’s the onions as little eggs that she can nurture and one day turn from little silverskins to those biggun’s that Haywards knock out a Christmas time.
It’s a bit like man’s obsession with fire (well, most of the men in here anyway, all of whom seem to be on an arson rap).
I suggest you try to wean her off her obsession by pointing out the joy found in Beetroot, Eggs and other pickled condiments and that whilst you understand her feelings (who wouldn’t?) why stick to one type of pickled condiment when there are so many others to choose from?

Fear not as this obsession will fade, as gradually everybody you know will avoid you both like the plague due to the chronic wind she will be  producing. Encourage different types of pickles as the more she eats, the more gas will be produced therefore alienating her further from those (few) friends that can still bear to stand within six feet of her without wearing a charcoal mask and an asbestos suit.

I don’t know if you smoke, possess a good head of hair or a moustache but I would suggest abstaining for the duration of this controlled experiment.

Aunty Bill

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Sarah Palin’s Lovelife – Is She Dating Justin “Trouserworm” Bieber?

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 10, 2013 | 8 Comments »

(more…)

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Ginger Beauty – With Oily George

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2013 | 18 Comments »

Hello Oily,

Recently I started courting a man who was made of cornflakes. He was recently released from prison after serving 20 years for murder. Is it ok to go out with a cereal killer?
Kelly, Nebraska
Oily Replies;
Hi Kell,
Only if he has crunchy nuts. Danger is that due to the popularity of said nuts whilst in the prison these past 20 years he might have lost his snap crackle and pop. You might find that unless you have hands like hams, an adams apple and 5 O’clock shadow you are no longer the type to stir his porridge. Give him a good grilling – mixed if possible – to find out where you stand.

Oily

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Ginger Mysticism – With The Mystic Milkman

Posted in Humor, Humour, Random Thoughts, tagged , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2013 | 23 Comments »

I am Barry Belcher. I am a Milkman. I am Psychic. I have been predicting predictions, with little accuracy for a number of years now. Previous predictions can be read here. and here

I am up with the Lark.

So, without further ado…….Milk Bottle of Mystery…….what does the future foretell?

1. November 8th 2013 - Pope Benedict will step down from the papacy to be replaced by the first African Pope.

2. May 24 2013 -  Smoking sand will be  made compulsory in the UK.

3. December 25 2014 - An animated remake of the Godfather about a bricklaying fish will smash box office records. The Hodcodfather is coming to a cinema near you soonish!

Now it is time for messages from “THE OTHER SIDE” -

Steve, Leicester;

Try the knife drawer – from Cousin Bet.

Eleanor, Moscow;

Look under the wobbly step – from Aunt Slobodan

Liang Bo in Shanghai

All men are shits! – Your mother!

Luigi, Verona

Find the man with the name Alfonso on his name tag. Fortune awaits when you do!

IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO MAY BENEFIT FROM HEARING THESE MESSAGES PLEASE PASS THEM ON….

I am now returning the Milk Bottle of Mystery to the Crate of Destiny.

Until next time……….

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Is That Gollum Holding A Sausage?

Posted in Humor, tagged , , , , , , , , on May 2, 2013 | 14 Comments »

Yes!

gollum copy

My Precioussss Ssssaussage

hobbits_edited-1

Perhaps this sword is not all it is cracked up to be

gandalf sausage

By the power of the sausage BE GONE EVIL SPIRIT!

The Lord Of The Sausage Trilogy

1. The Fellowship Of The Sausage

2. The Two Sausages

3. Return Of The Sausage

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Famous Gingers – Rupert Grint

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2013 | 30 Comments »

Rupert Grint

rupert

Played Ron Weasley in The Harry Potter film franchise.

Proves the point on a daily basis that ginger folk struggle to smoulder in an erotic fashion. If we do it prompts concerned questions from the elderly regarding trapped wind or imbecility.

Strongly tipped by those in the know not to be in the running to be the next James Bond. But is widely tipped to feature in panto in Wimbledon before the decade is out.

Some things you may not know about Rupert;

  • He has a passion for Cage Bingo
  • Never leaves home without his lucky colander, Sylvia.
  • He cannot whistle but can hum

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Ginger Heartache – With Aunty Bill

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2013 | 13 Comments »

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Dear Aunty,

Hello AB

I recently found out that my man was having an affair with a frozen chicken which he keeps in the freezer in the shed. He says it is OK as
the chicken is free range and organic and can play the trumpet. Badly though.  Should I be worried?

Cerys, Ceredigion

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Cerys

Never easy to play second fiddle to a frozen bird,even one who plays the trumpet, albeit badly.

Have you tried thinking where things went so badly wrong that he has resorted to this behaviour? The fact that the chicken is organic is a blessing as it at least shows he has discerning taste. Worse if he was consorting with a value chicken or breaded goujons. At least his moral compass is still functioning,  albeit in a slightly funny direction.

I Suggest that you all sit down to dinner one Sunday and discuss this issue.  DON’T do a roast chicken as this would be beyond spiteful and could induce trauma in your man’s new beau.
I suggest a nice vegetable lasagna. In the meantime a crash course in the Tibetan Nose flute is called for.
Trumpet? Pah! any damn fool can play the trumpet.  The Tibetan Nose flute is on another level, check out the guys at your local shopping centre with the big throws over them for proof of how skillful an art this is. Both he and she will be blown away.

If all this doesn’t work unplug the freezer and watch your love rival perish a slow and painful death.Next stick the trumpet up your husbands arse and change the locks (on the doors, not his arse).

 Aunty Bill

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Is That L Ron Hubbard With A Sausage In His Hair?

Posted in Humor, Humour, tagged , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2013 | 13 Comments »

Yes!

hubbardthinkssausage_edited-1

Behold! The legendary Crowned Scientologist Sausage Of Power – rarely seen and never tasted…….by mankind!

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