Gingerfightback cares. Really cares. We have received a number of letters from heartbroken readers for whom Cupid’s bow has gone a bit wonky. So we have decided to help and have enlisted the services of Aunty Bill.
We hope you may find some answers too.
Case #1 – Loveless and Doorless
I’m distraught. Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door should have been.
There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”
Not only am I heartbroken I am also freezing. How do I win them back?
Aunty Bill Replies,
So sorry to hear of your woes. You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass. Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. What you’ve got to do is ensure it never happens again.
At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.
I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.
At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But I won’t.
Case #2 – Bedspread Jiggery Pokery
Please help. I found my sister in bed with my man last night. There was a lot of jiggling going on under the bedspread. They denied any hanky panky and swore they were re-enacting key skirmishes from the Battle of the Bulge. Should I believe them?
Elsie, The Ardennes
Aunty Bill Replies
Difficult one this. I was caught in a not too dissimilar situation a few years ago (although not with your boyfriend I hasten to add) and used the excuse of having to look for my sister-in-law’s false teeth that had somehow dislodged themselves from the book I had given her to bite on as she suffered from an epileptic fit. Necessity being the mother of invention and all that.
I think that a similar scenario is developing here. On this occasion I would give them the benefit of doubt but if this occurrence repeats itself and they can’t come up with anything more current (the Arab Spring uprising, re-enacting Pearl Harbour or negotiating a super tanker through the Straits of Hormuz) then I would kick them both into touch.
After all, we’ve all fallen for the Battle of the Bulge routine before! I could make a cheap jibe about Prussian helmets but I won’t as I think you have enough on your (Battle of River) plate at the moment.
Case #3 If The Face Fits…..
My girl is wonderful, sexy and has a great sense of humour. A great catch as my cider sodden Granddad might have said.
However there is one problem. When we copulate she insists that I wear a replica mask of Margaret Thatcher as she swears blind that Maggie screwed her and the rest of Britain when she was in power and she can only achieve her “tingle” when looking at the Iron Lady.
I don’t mind wearing the mask (although they chaff my sideburns a tad) but sometimes I’d like to experiment and wear a different one. Silvio Berlusconi for example.
How do I approach this one Aunty Bill?
Aunty Bill Replies
With the great new range of latex rubber masks available on the market these days, suggest to your girlfriend that you both spend a day at Larry’s Latex Parlour in Harlow, Essex.
Here you’ll find a huge array of current and not so current faces. Larry has been the leading purveyor of latex masks for over 20 years in the Essex region and his number can be found in phone boxes, public lavatories and pub toilets especially in the Pitsea area.
Some are even programmed to speak their most popular catch phrase at that “important” moment. For instance Harry Rednapp shouts “Back of the net!” or how about Oliver Hardy and his unforgettable “That’s another fine mess you’ve got us into”.
A personal favourite is the Mr Punch mask saying, “That’s the way to do it!”
Whilst I appreciate your girlfriend’s Thatcher analogy, maybe a little more humour wouldn’t go amiss and what a cracking day out!
How about you wearing a mask of dashing helicopter pilot Prince William? I could make a cheap jibe here about choppers but I won’t. The futures bright Wally, the future’s Latex!
All the best!
Case #4 A Griddle Riddle
Hello Aunty Bill!
I like The Wire my boyfriend don’t.
We had a row about it and I hit him with the nearest metallic object that came to hand. Now his face has the indents of a griddle pan. Consequently I now find him repulsive and useful only when I want a healthy way to cook meat. Should I dump him?
Aunty Bill Replies,
Firstly, let me congratulate you on your good taste. The Wire is one of my favourites too. Filmed in Baltimore y’know.
Baltimore is where it all went wrong for me. American juries ain’t that gullible you know. My protestations that I was unaware it was a pantomime horse fell on deaf ears.
But hey! That was a long time ago and you’ve got problems of your own to be addressed.
Only really two ways out of this one Shirl and I’m gonna give it to you straight.
Guys whose faces you can cook on come along only once in a lifetime. So, it may be worthwhile hanging on to this fella and bringing him out when you fancy a nice seared Tuna steak or some other tasty low fat cutlet of meat. Imagine the surprise on your friends faces when he appears from the cupboard under the stairs to cook their favourite dish!
However if you find his facial disfigurement too ghastly to live with you maybe interested in http://www.you’llalwaysfindmeinthekitchenatparties.com- a dating service for those disfigured by kitchen accidents (check out the “Cutlery Corner” section of the site).
It may well be that he would be better off with a victim of a blender accident or some such, leaving you to enjoy the delights of The Wire on your own and for him to ride (or limp) into the sunset with a new similarly culinary challenged partner.
Only you can decide – good luck!
Case #5 Doctor In The House!
Dear Aunty Bill,
Can you get pregnant from watching medical soap operas? My girlfriend told me this happened to her when watching an episode of Scrubs.
She says ‘cos she is pregnant I owe her 500 quid.
Aunty Bill Replies,
The short answer to your predicament is yes.
For sometime now, Scientists have been aware of the link between watching medical programmes and pregnancy.
Low level VHF waves given off by your television set are transmitted through your girlfriend’s dental fillings and then nature takes over. Some programmes are more dangerous than others (How to Look Good Naked and Embarrassing Bodies are two to avoid, unless swathed in Bacofoil.)
Although studies on this subject are still in their infancy, I would advise you and your girlfriend to attend the nearest hospital as a matter of urgency for a scan.
Although it is not certain she will give birth to a TV set, it is worth getting a scan done ASAP so you can to avoid finding out you have a healthy 20 pound 52 inch Plasma with built-in Cable on the way, ‘cos £500 won’t go far with that little baby!
Let us know how you get on.