A leading light in the adult film industry of the United Kingdom, with such classics as “Market Gardener A Go Go” and “Onion Orgy IV” under his belt, Oily knows a thing or two about the importance of appearance and cooking vegetables to boot.
We hope you find his advice helpful.
1. Oily Caseload #1 – Hair Raising
Oily George – First it was hair loss so I bought a wig – now my nylon hair has developed split ends?
Not sure what the problem is with Split Enz. An excellent New Zealand band and ‘I Got You’ was a fantastabulous single. The lead singer Micky Finn went on to form another beat combo called Crowded House – interestingly he named this band after the tenement building he and his 8 brothers and sisters grew up in.
Perhaps knowing this, Nanty Bob, you will now open, or lower, your ears and listen. And enjoy those Split Enz
2. Oily Caseload #2 – Cellulite Blues
Please help me Oily George!
At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.
What can you suggest?
Sue, Melton Mowbray
What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?
In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.
3.Oily Caseload #3 – Pump Up The Volume
Oh Oily! I am in a bind. Last night I applied hair volumiser to my pubic region by mistake. I woke up this morning with a crotch so bouffant that I can’t put my pants on. I have a big date with Natalie from accounts tonight, was hoping to take things to the next level – but what is she going to think when I drop me strides and the lead singer from Mungo Jerry pops into view?
When pondering these problems I like to slither into my bath, lay myself in Extra Industrial Castrol and, you know, let nature take it’s course. I do all my best , ahem, pondering in the bath.
I then retire to the drawing room donning my ‘Noel Coward Rocks My World’ silk dressing gown and matching slippers, sip a brandy and ponder further the problems that beset my poor readers.
I suggest you shave the offending pubes into the shape of something important and meaningful to Natalie, something that will make her realise she is with a man who has empathy and isn’t afraid to show his feminine side.
The following are some suggestions of the sort of shapes and images that most speak to the sweet little things;
A fluffy kitten playing with a ball of string
A 6 month old baby gurgling in a pram in a summer’s meadow with the sun blazing down.
An ironing board.
The girl in that tennis poster scratching her arse.
Cutting your mangy pubes into any of the above is an unbelievably romantic gesture and would win over the hardest of hearts and ensure you get your oats.
If it doesn’t then she’s obviously a lesbian. If that’s the case get your camcorder and follow her home…..I pay big money for such footage.
Leading Adult Film Producer, Oily George is here to help with any questions you have on Fashion, Beauty or DIY issues. Recently nominated for a Golden Scrotum award for his bold camera work on “Big Luvvin Carrot Crunchin’ Cul de Sac Love Machine”, Oily George really is a legend.
We hope you find the answers you are looking for.
Caseload # 4 – Heads Up
My man has upped and left me for another woman. I have an amazing figure but sadly lack a head at the moment. Would you like to go out with me? Have you got a spare head you can send me?
Penny you need to stop looking at the negatives. Everyone has their cross to bare. Look at the following list of well known X Factor celebrities. All are/were missing something:
Admiral Nelson – Arm and eye
Van Gogh – Ear
David Beckham – Brain
Robbie Williams – Talent
Simon Cowell – Conscience
Stephen Hawking – Various.
And yet they are/were all superstars in their own right overcoming all sorts of disadvantages in the process. One of my musical heroes Ian ‘Mac’ McCullough of Echo and The Bunnymen had a song called ‘Heads Will Roll’ ( oops sorry). The lyrics – if he were to change them completely – go like this:
“I’m the greatest singer there’s ever been
Doncha know wor I mean
Yeah sure baby I ain’t got no spleen
But calm down our kid I ain’t no has been”
So take heart, look ahead (oops sorry). Get out there and party. Live life to the max. As my friend the actress Lena Hedley (oops sorry) says -Hedonism rocks. (oops sorry).
Caseload #5 – Hair Today Gone Tomorrow
I am rather hirsute and find myself having to shave up to three times a day. Recently when out on a family meal, the restaurant manager informed us that dogs were not allowed in the restaurant and banned me from the premises! You can imagine my embarrassment.
Shaving, depilation and waxing just don’t stem these hairy growth spurts – any ideas? I enclose a photo of myself – do you think I look like a Golden Retriever?
Hey Rover, you do indeed look rather like Lassie. And what a fine four legged friend that pup was to many a man. If I were you I would get the hell out of Brighton if you’ve got restaurants that don’t allow you to eat with your pets.
Now I don’t really have a solution as to how you stem your hairiness. Here in LA in my role as a producer of ‘adult art’ we are exploring more niche markets. Let’s just say Fido needs some good lovin’ too! So we have a role for you if you want to head west, Especially if that photo is really you. If it is then woof woof, get on board boy! You’d have to pay for your flight and accommodation of course but we’d reimburse you the bus fare from LAX to the studio ( The Budget Motel, East LA).
You don’t happen to have 11 toes on one foot, 13 on the other? A longshot I know, just another niche movie we have in the pipeline but I’ll be damned if I can find the right person for the role.
Case #6 – Denture Venture
Try as I might I just cannot seem to get my teeth whitened in the fashion of the stars. I have tried paint, nail varnish and Bono’s sweat all sadly to no avail. How do you keep your gnashers all gleamin’ like?
Ishmail, what you need to do is go out for a few pints of Guinness with your mates. After a few you will find yourselves pointlessly gurning at eachother ( think Dick Van Dyke on speed). You will end up being pointed at and prodded with a stick by the local urchins. But ignore them for they know not what they do. Enter into the spirit of the gurn. The benefits are two fold. Firstly it will exercise the mouth and teeth area thus keeping your teeth nice and slim. it is a little known – some would say made up – fact that teeth can get fat too!
Secondly the ‘alleged’ chemicals within the head of the Guinness will strip away all gunge, residue and debris that will have collected on your teeth these past few years. Give it a go, you won’t be disappointed!
If you are then it was obviously bad Guinness and you’d need to see the pub landlord about reimbursement. How many toes have you got on your feet?
Kind Regards, Oily
Case 7 – Sexy Oily!
You are great and so sexy – how do you do it?
Shiney Sheena, Wisconsin
Why heeelllooooo Sheena,
Kind of you to say so and thank you for the photo. Usually I have to ask/badger/beg my ladies to send their portraits but looking at you, my you are enthusiastic. And ambidextereous. A fact I am logging in the darkest recesses of my febrile mind.
How do I maintain my sexiness? Well as you can see from my profile, I model myself on close personal friend and fellow Texan Oil Spill, Michael Winner.
The dear chap has taught me so much about how to slither through life. He was the inspiration that got me into the How-Do-They-Do-That market that I cater for. I doff my fedora to the slotheful one
Case #7 – Wardrobe Malfunction!
There is a squeak on my wardrobe door. Every time I open the door my pet Budgie goes into a catatonic state.
I’ve tried a wide range of ungents, moisturisers and gels all to no avail.
Will you pop in and see me to use your abundant reservoirs of natural emulsifiers to quieten the darn door and give my Budgie the peace she craves and deserves?
Lordy this is my lucky week! Such beautiful women all in need of my attentions! Of course I will slip by anytime to check on your wardrobe door. I will bring my vast array of elixirs and pungent purifying potions which will need to be applied on the hinges of your wardrobe doors, and locks. And your buttocks. That should do the trick. Whilst there maybe I can tell you about the new company I am setting up, Long and Hard Productions. Looking for a new PA and I feel you will fit the bill perfectly.
Case # 8 Crossword Thicko
Can you help? I am doing a crossword and I am stuck on 6 across.
The clue is “Things we chew our food with located in our mouths.” It has 5 letters and so far I have TE_TH – I am stumped. Any ideas?
Slow Dave, Hull
The word I’m thinking of is tongue. It may not fit the crossword but I find it can fit just about anywhere else. Once you discover this fact for yourself your crossword will be totally redundant.