Following on from the Government’s recent announcement of changing the way child poverty is measured in the UK, Gfb can reveal that legendary ventriloquist double act “Keith Harris and Orville” have been appointed to implement the changes.
Ian Duncan-Spliff, the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions said “Yeah Maaaan, wan’ some GANJA? Dey can make dis policeeeyy fly, fly right up to de sky, yes they can.” (No they can’t).
The child poverty changes come about after Conservative MP Alex In-Bred had tabled a motion that child poverty was nothing to do with income, and was actually caused by all welfare benefit claimants being addicted to drugs, alcohol, glue and I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
“It just isn’t right that child poverty is measured by income in the 21st Century,” stated In-Bred. “It’s obvious that child poverty is caused by a range of underlying social issues, such as fried food, street dancing and the breasts of Katie Price.”
A leaked memo seen by Gfb goes even further, listing what the Government believe are the root causes of child poverty.
As well as drugs, cigarettes, alcohol and glamour models with enhanced breasts, they include:
- Heat magazine
- Hubba Bubba chewing gum
- Glockenspiel addiction
- Tesco value beef burgers
- Not having a Butler
- Pot noodles
- Gay Marriage
- Being a Northerner
- Nervousness around chickens
But Harris & Orville face an uphill task implementing the policy, as anti-poverty campaigners look set to join forces to oppose it.
The Government are banking on the pairs popularity to make the policy change a success. They were recently seen having dinner with Chancellor, George Osborne in a Mayfair brothel, and said in a statement, “Working as children’s entertainers has given us a unique insight into the issues surrounding child poverty. We are well placed to find the best ways to measure it. That and the £250,000 we are being paid”.
So that’s all right then.