Recently I was in Tesco’s rummaging amongst the mangoes with a view to buying one for my pudding later that evening. As I popped a fruit into my trolley, I felt a tad woozy and a touch fey.
I had an insatiable desire to free my people from Roman tyranny and build a new by-pass around Colchester!
The spirit of Boadicea, Queen of the Iceni had entered me! (Some of you may know her as Boudica. I don’t know when her name changed. It was the same when Peking changed to Beijing, Bombay to Mumbai and Swindon to The Barcelona of Wiltshire). But I digress.
Within minutes I was scurrying down the cheese aisle in my chariot, courgettes affixed to each wheel to hobble any Roman oppressor. On I rode, scything down the enemy, my face now tinted the tint of blue woad tinty stuff from a toilet block.
A scream, nay ululation invoking the ancient Druid Gods saw me rent the air to tackle these Roman curs. With a cry of “Death To The Romans”, I sped through the automatic doors, into the sunlight and trundled toward freedom, shattering their yoke of tyranny.
Sadly the trolley wheel locking device was activated as I exited the car park and the lardy centurions of G4S ended my uprising.
The Magistrate deferred the sentence of Crucifixion to 120 hours of litter picking on the A13. I did get my pound back for the trolley though.
But, no longer will I be enslaved by men in sandals, togas and sporting French Crops!
You may think I am a fantasist ………..I would beg to differ.