Aunty Bill,
I was recently ran over by a steam roller. I am now eighteen feet tall, twelve feet wide yet only one inch deep.
My girlfriend Jackie has left me on account of my billowing. I can only find work as a sail.
Whilst being a sail has its plus points (most notably if I have any wet clothes on they dry very quickly) I doubt if I will find love again. Can you help?
Pedro Garcia, Gateshead
Aunty Bill Replies;
Pedro!
Sorry to hear of your mishap. I see several career opportunities have come your way although you probably don’t see them (from that height I’m not surprised).
I’ll list them for you :
The guy who slides down drains to retreive stuff that people have dropped down them accidently (I don’t actually know anybody who does this but it is an option).
At eighteen foot tall you’d be a shoe-in for any basketball team. They’d pay whatever it took to get you on their books. Netball is worth a butcher’s too!
Changing street light bulbs for the Council. They’d save on expensive machinery and you get to wear Hi-Vis!
A portable garage door. At twelve feet wide you’d get to guard the cars at some pretty impressive houses, twelve feet being double the size of the usual door.
And you could rest your legs while sitting on the roof of the garage!
A sail on a pedillo. Just imagine – “Pedros Pedillos!”
Sail on!
Aunty Bill
Brilliant, baffles me how you think of them.
It is worrying Harry.
Aunty Bill is so clever, though someone should follow up on her spelling!
Will do Daniel.
If he was playing basketball they’d need to turn the stadium fans off or with all that surface area he’d be blown up into the rafters.
Practical answer – Thanks! I think the garage door will suit him best.
I can only imagine the life aunty has led, always with essential advice for others from lessons learned. When is she out of the clink, I’d like to buy him/her a drink.
A couple of years (subject to parole board) Joe – we’ll meet in the pub you are saving from developers!
There was a cross dresser there recently, but was off their face on something so she turned up in a negligee basically, she had hoisted her leg up on the bench and was adjusting her suspenders when a bollock fell out.
Class
While working as a sail, how exactly does the mast attach?
I will leave that you your imagination!
I’d leave a clever comment but I’m laughing too hard. Debra
That’s the best comment Debra!
Could also lie on the road in a suburban and raise his ass slightly. A speed bump with enough brain to suddenly bump all speedsters into orbit.
Great point I would suggest yellow stripes as well.
Poor Pedro. All in a flap.
My heart bled too.
I like the speed bump suggestion.
He could also Rent himself out as a ‘Flat’!
And use his new skills to abseil down when the lifts break down!.. 
Have a great Weekend Ginger and keep making us laugh.. 
That is a terrible pun Sue, but I am annoyed that I didn’t think of it first! Likewise – goodness the sun has appeared!
Still raining like we should build the Ark ! here Ginger.. Make the most of it… Quick now… before it goes
He could wear clothes with logos and be a walking billboard! Get paid, wear the latest fashions, wander about town…
I’ll pass it on – great advice as always. There are SO MANY sensibe people, with so much sound advice knocking around. why is the world in such a mess?