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Hello,

Regular readers of my lies will know I recently joined the reincarnee’s dating agency, “Have We’ve Met B4?”  (www.previouslovepreviouslives.com)

I have met a lovely man! Called Lionel.

In his previous life he was  Julius Caesar and was building Hardrian’s Wall.

Today he works in a brick factory and has built a brick wall in his back bedroom. It’s lucky he works in a brick factory isn’t it!

He regularly pours boiling oil over passers by and on Friday crucified a man who was selling flannels door to door.  The Police have had a word with him about this.  As you would expect.

He explained the misunderstanding and bought a couple of flannels as a peace offering.

I’m going round for Tea tonight. Traditional dress.  I’m a bit worried.  My hammer toes aren’t really set off by a sandal. Still hopefully the inflatable Christian I have bought from www.slaughterthereligous.com should keep his mind off my pudgy tootsies.

I am taking a sherry trifle for pudding.

Agnes

Gingerfightback’s Hugh Pugh-Barney-McGrew was interviewing the heir apparent about his love of courgettes when Chas blurted into the microphone,

charles copy

Defender Of The Sausage

“I’m sick of these Jock arsewipes moaning about how hard done by they are.  Mama forces One to traipse around some God for-fuckin-saken heather moor singing like Moira Anderson’s castrated cousin about,”Weee misty ooop the skelter” or “dinnae na bricht ma panty liners” whilst me knackers are frozen. Kilts are for C*nts who eat deep fried Mars bars, drink deep fried Lager and wear deep fried Shellsuits.

Braveheart? One’s arse.

If I have to hear “500 Miles” by them speccy Proclaimer bastards again I’ll get Mama to fellate Gordon Brown in the fuckin’ Tower. Bathgate no more – thank fuck – Shitehole – Alex Salmond? Lying Jock wanker. Leave old slaphead Robinson alone! Nick may be an arse bandit and Establishment lickspittle but he’s my arse bandit and my lickspittle. Caber tossing bastards…..”

He then hopped over a fence to steal a pair of women’s knickers that were on a rotary dryer in the balmy Edinburgh air.

 

fence2charlessausage

“One’s Always Been A Thong Man!”

 

 

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Aunty Bill

My girl Denise left me for another man.

She texted to say, “I want to be with Jason. He looks great in tan slip-ons and doesn’t possess a face that looks like Hitler’s good bollock. Can I have my Pink album back as well?”

How can I win her back?

Les, Norwich

Aunty Bill Replies;

Les,

It sounds like Denise is gone.  If you follow my advice there is a chance you can still win her back. Invest in a decent pair of comfortable and fashionable shoes (Sling backs or ballet pumps are in at the moment).

Customise them by sprinkling the heels with Hundreds and Thousands.  This will make you really stand out from the crowd! She will certainly know you mean business and Jason will have to raise his slip-on style to compete with you.

There’s a chance that people will throw something at you, but turn the other cheek (the one that doesn’t look like Hitler’s good bollock).

Good luck!

Aunty Bill

Tony-Blair

Narcissistic loon Tony Blair has called upon President Obama to bomb Glasgow as he is convinced the Islamic State has gained a foothold in the land of the Kilted.

As he told GFB,

“I was with the Chairs of RBS, Barclays, BP and Halliburton explaining how to create the conditions for peace via slaughter, when I was handed a dossier entitled “Al-Alex Salmond Plans to introduce Deep Fried Islam to Scotland.” It’s all true because the dossier came in a nice plastic folder and had some pictures in it. One showed the Glasgow Rangers ground with a bloke with a beard sitting in one of the seats. What more proof do you need?”

slamond3

Is He An Islamist?

So, I called me old muckers Bill Clinton and George W to see if the Yanks could strike and y’know what? They never returned my call! Me! After all I’ve done for America!

"Cos We're Worth It!"

Didn’t bother with Obama – never liked fellas who are rational.

But mark my words – Scotland will be the next Islamist bolthole.”

Oh, but how do drunk people get home?
I wonder
But…
How do drunk people get home?
My careening well…
Scars and scurf
And a long whole ago
….that pill in the morning in the clinic
that pill…
Hmm…
But how do drunk people get home?
I met the man with the box of frogs and had occasion to ask him
Feeling that the rain would stay off a while
as I sheltered under his hanging umbrella
He was too busy to answer
Much too busy,
The boxing of frogs and the herding of cats
Taking up
Way way too much of his time!
But it’d come to a pretty pass
If the only weavers of dreams left to us
Were to be the joke of the bank
(Their jokes are cruel)
And the many sellers of smoke
They there
Still there
There in the glam of the threadbare glade.

The Queen has pleaded with Scots to remain part of the United Kingdom. The big funnelled monarch, celebrating 600 years without a thought, is very “worried” about developments, particularly losing her holiday cottage in Balmoral.

To show her devotion to her Scottish subjects Her Royal Linerness has taken to wearing the national symbol of Scotland, the Scotch Egg.

Royal watcher, Form A-Orderly-Queue told Gfb, “Her Royal Minus is very keen that the Sweaty Socks stay part of the UK. She adores shortbread, has read all of Irvine Welsh’s novels, is addicted to Temazepan and Irn Bru is her favourite hangover cure.”

Why don’t they want wonky Prince Charlie as their next King?

charles copy

Prince Phillip has ordered tanks to be placed outside the house of Scottish firebrand and slurper of soup, Alex “Fatty” Salmond, describing him as a “Slimy sporran sniffing Jock Bastard,” to close pals.

The Prince is also worried that summers will have to be spent at Butlins in Minehead in future.

 

 

What will the Scottish People decide? Will it be life in the Faslane? Or is that the nuclear option?

Och Aye The Noo

Gfb's Travel Ace

Mammy!

Boy do the Royals work fast!

With the Scottish Referendum vote so close, PM David Cameron ordered Kate and Wills to, “Produce Prince Sprog pronto old chap.”

And quicker than you can say, “I thought Mel Gibson was terrific in Braveheart – FREEEEEEEDUMB!” the slaphead Prince confirms his sperm count once again!

kate_pregnant
We are as thrilled that our Kate is pregnant with the future Prince Thing of Blighty  – As Royal Watcher Tiggy Winkle-Harumph told Gfb, “We can now add fecundity to Kate’s list of achievements!”

What A Glorious Day That Was

That Glorious Day….

And George will have a brother or sister to Rule!

prince george2 copy

 

 

 

 

 

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