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spermwithaperm

The Sperm With A Perm will be providing a regular update on his hopes and fears for impregnation.

Hi Everyone!

Been ages!

It was my cousin Tom’s 3rd minute birthday! Just imagine trying to play musical chairs with 120 million others! Takes Ages! Fold out chairs as well – took ages to set up. I prefer pass the parcel myself but everything gets a bit sticky.

No sign of impregnating an egg at the moment!

Sentient life will be great though – better than this load of bollocks! Think of it! Arthritis! Embarrassment! Laughter! Riding A Bike! Love! Having A Crush On Mother Theresa! ONIONS! Masturbation! (although would that be genocide?!)

Just gotta find that egg!

This bloody hot weather plays havoc with his juices!

Boner me beauty!

Must Go!

Right……Ready Or Not…..Here I Come!

sperm_wiggle

But I Won’t Do That!

Ginger Is A State Of Mind

Warhol. One word. One man.

“Ginger Wigs”.

A collection of Ginger Wigs. Wigs that are Ginger.

So brave. So challenging. So daring. So-da Stream.

 

Gingerfightback can reveal that Sergio Leone originally called “The Man With No Name”  – “The Man With A Sausage On His Hat”.

We are glad that Sergio changed his mind…..

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The Sausage Spaghetti Western Trilogy;

A Fistful Of Sausages

For A Few Sausages More

The Good The Bad And The Sausage

And here is the original poster for A Fistful of Chickens.

The Chick With No Name

The Chick With No Name

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Aunty Bill,

Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door used to be.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Meredith,

You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But won’t.

Aunty Bill

Still Giving Lurve One Year On

Cellulite Blues

Please help me Oily George!

At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.

What can you suggest?

Sue, Melton Mowbray

Oily Replies

What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?

In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.

Lasciviously Yours

Oily

 

Hello

Gingerfightback gained access to the Royal Stud yesterday to nab this picture of the racehorse owned by The Queen who has failed a drugs test (the horse that is not Her Majesty – although she is partial to Charles’ organic Duchy Originals Ganja).

The photo clearly shows the horse named Have A Bang On This Little Number, abusing drugs in a most unseemly manner.

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Pink Floyd Really Speaks To Him

 

The Queen was unavailable for comment as she was in Scotland to open the  Commonwealth Games. To celebrate this great day for the land of the long sweaty sock, Liz festooned her bonnet with Scotch Eggs!

QE2

One Has The Munchies

 

 

 

Leader of the Opposition, Ed Miliband has told Gingerfightback’s Political Editor Marsupial Fanning that his recent meeting with President Obama was  both “Constructive and nutritious.”

The buck toothed laddio went onto say, “The President and I share views on Syria,  ISIS, Russia, Gaza, and the right amount of melted cheese in a burger. He now knows that  fries are called chips in England. I must say his chewing was impeccable. It has come on leaps and bounds.”

When asked for his views on the meeting the President replied, “Who? Never met the fella.”

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Ed has been likened to Wallace from Wallace and Gromit – well, he is a bit stop go after all.

 

 

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