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Aunty Bill,

Last night my partner told me he had fallen in love with the back door. This morning I awoke to find my partner gone and just a draught where the back door used to be.

There was a note on the table, presumably written by the back door as my partner is illiterate. The note said, “One day you will find closure.”

Not only am I heartbroken I am freezing. How do I win them back?

Meredith, Ottawa

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Meredith,

You don’t state in your letter whether the door was UPVC or standard wooden half Georgian wired glass.

At this troubled time you probably wonder why I am asking what type of door it was, but in the days ahead, when a window of clarity appears you will have to think about a replacement door and depending on the type that ran off with your (ex) partner this will dictate what type of frame, lock and extra security you require.

I always recommend a standard 5 lever bolt lock (ISO234567) is fitted where the door is UPVC, although for a wooden door an Ingeroll Chubb and separate mortice should suffice. Be sure to allow for the stress factor on wooden doors and if in doubt fix an extra hinge to allow for any slippage.

Experience dictates that men who run off with doors seldom return. At this point I could make a cheap jibe about knockers. But won’t.

Aunty Bill

Still Giving Lurve One Year On

Cellulite Blues

Please help me Oily George!

At first I thought cellulite was the lost tribe of Israel. Then my friend Amanda thought it was a low fat spread. She is kinda right as it has spread all over my thighs. I’ve tried lard, monkey innards and even laid a Barbara Taylor Bradford novel over the affected area – alas to no avail.

What can you suggest?

Sue, Melton Mowbray

Oily Replies

What you mean they aren’t a lost tribe of Israel?

In my line of business – ‘grown ups art’, cellulite is indeed a concern as I know that my discerning fans, as they sit peering at the screen, tissue in hand, do not wish to observe what looks like discarded orange peels wriggling in ecstasy. Puts some people off their, eh, stroke, if you will. There is a surgery close to my home here in Silicon Valley which deals with this problem. I’ll send you the contact details. Meantime Sue perhaps you could send me a picture of your breasts lathered in baby oil? It’ll give the surgeons a better idea of which procedure best suits.

Lasciviously Yours

Oily

 

Hello

Gingerfightback gained access to the Royal Stud yesterday to nab this picture of the racehorse owned by The Queen who has failed a drugs test (the horse that is not Her Majesty – although she is partial to Charles’ organic Duchy Originals Ganja).

The photo clearly shows the horse named Have A Bang On This Little Number, abusing drugs in a most unseemly manner.

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Pink Floyd Really Speaks To Him

 

The Queen was unavailable for comment as she was in Scotland to open the  Commonwealth Games. To celebrate this great day for the land of the long sweaty sock, Liz festooned her bonnet with Scotch Eggs!

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One Has The Munchies

 

 

 

Leader of the Opposition, Ed Miliband has told Gingerfightback’s Political Editor Marsupial Fanning that his recent meeting with President Obama was  both “Constructive and nutritious.”

The buck toothed laddio went onto say, “The President and I share views on Syria,  ISIS, Russia, Gaza, and the right amount of melted cheese in a burger. He now knows that  fries are called chips in England. I must say his chewing was impeccable. It has come on leaps and bounds.”

When asked for his views on the meeting the President replied, “Who? Never met the fella.”

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Ed has been likened to Wallace from Wallace and Gromit - well, he is a bit stop go after all.

 

 

We may be a bit late but Happy Birthday to our future King! On bended knee we salute thee……

Nice to see the goatee coming on and the hillbilly look beginning to take shape…..

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Baby Prince George, is of course the fruit of sexual intercourse between our Kate and Wills,

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The Bearded Prince

Miranda Soup-Slurper, Royal Correspondent for It’s Bollox magazine said,  “I still can’t believe that Kate has had sexual intercourse, such is her fragrant fragrance.  Also royal babies come from a place much more shiny and lovely than the Earth. My guess is a planet made of cuddles and souvenir tea towels.”

Phillip Utopian-Fallopian, keeper of the Royal Sock, told GFB, “Ms Soup-Slurper is wrong. Prince George came from Waitrose along with a free cup of coffee.”

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Beardy_Kate

 

 

Hello Folks,

When I’m on the pot, I like to read a lot. It’s a man thing!

I popped round to my Mum’s this morning to put some new shelves up for her. I’ve got a drill. Don’t use a spirit level though. Don’t trust bubbles. Sinister things

Sunday’s cabbage worked its magic and I needed the facilities and read about the anniversary of the moon landings.

I remember that July day in ’69. Dad had got me up at 4 in the morning to watch him walk on the moon. Armstrong that is. Not Dad. He was in his pants and vest on the settee next to me watching the telly.

Dead impressed I was. I stuck the goldfish bowl over me head pretending to be Armstrong. There were half a dozen lads in Gravesend A and E all wearing goldfish bowls that morning. A lot of goldfish must have come to a sticky end that day.

When the bowl was off, I got a slap round the head from the Nurses, Doctors and Dad. And a passing Policeman for good measure. Kids have it easy these days. A good beating did me the world of good.

Here’s to Buzz Aldrin I thought as I reached for the toilet roll. He reached for the Stars.

C’est la vie.

All the best,

Bob.

2014 Open Golf Champion, Rory McIlroy acknowledged the role the Scotch Egg played in delivering his latest triumph in the world of hitting little balls with a stick.

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Rory throws his Scotch Egg into the crowd in celebration

“Playing with Scotch Eggs allows me to have more control over my short game and when I am feeling peckish I can nibble on these  tasty savoury snacks,” he may have said.

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Man and Scotch Egg in perfect harmony

Young Rory, who hails from Holywood, Northern Ireland went on to say, “Me darlin’ Mammy identified a deficiency in my hip stance  and got me playing with Scotch Eggs to improve things. Like it is, so it is. Like.”

But Mammy McIlroy didn’t stop there, “She would make a variety of Scotch Eggs for me to play with. Big ones, little ones, ones with indentations at the top, pimpled ones and even one that was square! As you can imagine that didn’t roll very well!”

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Young Rory & the Scotch Egg of destiny

Gingerfightback’s science correspondent, Damien Semi-Jap-Stranglehold spoke to Ursula Ooh-La-La, Professor of advanced Scotch Eggery at the University of Toulouse who told him, “Mais Oui mon cherie, Je t’adore le Piat D’or - make lurve a moi by the opagne firrreside a hoh – he – hoh.”

It is not the first time that Golfers have turned to meat base products. Jack Nicklaus won the 1978 US Open playing with a pork pie boiled in vinegar.

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A man and a pie and a sand shot to glory

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